i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
