everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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