What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
