dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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