bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
