So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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