I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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