It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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