she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
