im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
