Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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