I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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