Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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