my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
