he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
