I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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