I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
