did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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