??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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