4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
