If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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