guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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