My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
