i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
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He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
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Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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