I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
