Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
