I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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