Soap is not a condiment
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
