I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
