I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
