Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
