she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
