I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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