So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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