I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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