Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
