I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
