I'm eating all of the evidence.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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