So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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