There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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