Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
