you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
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I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
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Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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