Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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