In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
