So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
