Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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