New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
