"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
