hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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