You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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