I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
