Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
