don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
