apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
